Bipolar Ave.

It feels like forever since I last visited my LJ. I'm not sure why I came back, though. Some unknown force brought me to my LJ page and caught me by surprise, and i'm guessing that it's my consciousness' way of saying that it's time for me to get back to writing decent stuff. All I ever wrote for the past few months were things that made little sense and contained no particular wisdom of much significance. And that scares me. I never want to lose touch of that part of me that actually makes sense. =p

I've been reading my old entries and now, I'm feeling intense envy. I envy my old self. She made so much sense and she beautifully put her feelings into words. I'm not sure if I can still craft such beautiful entries or if I can still tie words together with a classy red ribbon. I figure that it's because the system has basked me in a world that puts emphasis on patronizing the native tongue. Not that it's a bad thing. I even agree with it and understand why it's important. It's just that, I've loved the English language ever since. I love writing in English and without a doubt, I can say that I am EXTREMELY passionate about it. It's hard to lose touch of something that you're really passionate about, let alone fail to practice or hone a skill that you're exceptionally proud of. Now I'm finding it very hard to express what I feel. I'm having difficulty with putting my rattling emotions down in words. I usually find myself frustrated that I can't pat my feelings down in black and white as fluidly as they flow inside my mind, especially when they're begging to be set free.

Because of this, I've decided to be Livejournal active again. =) I'll be updating every once in a while and I'll be making sure that my entries would either serve to set my emotions free or would be a way for me to practice and hone my writing skills (which I've seriously lost touch of). =p

Since I'm pretty much sure that no one would think of visiting, this would sorta be a personal journal. Sorta. =p
Yay! Haha. :)

Toodles =)

 

... FLIRT KA, MEHN.

Haha. Tawa na lang talaga 'ko. :p

At in fairness, natawa talaga ko ah. 
IN FAIRNESS. Haha. :p

Tama si sister.
Minsan kelangan talagang maging...
Bitter..
Numb..
At souless piece of crap..
Para maging masaya na lang sa mga crap ng buhay. :p

Oh well. :p

I don't wanna wake up without you again.
I don't wanna wake up feeling so close to the end.

She's hopeless.

1. Don't think that wisdom is simply having something to say. Wisdom is sensitivity to feelings. Wisdom is selflessness. Wisdom is thinking... Thinking HARD before jumping in. Wisdom is awareness of propriety. Wisdom is SILENCE borne by scrutiny and humility. Moreover, wisdom is sure knowledge with zero-judgment, unbiased and unopinionated. 

2. As much as I hate to admit, my trust in you is much MUCH lower than the Becquerel Four "Lower" I can contort my face into. And trust isn't freely given back. You have to earn it. So goes with RESPECT.

3. Selfish philosophies, when established and put into act often lead to, a) broken relationships b) hurt feelings c) bitterness d) low trust.. or even NONE e) deterioration of respect f) suppression of freedom to act, lead life and think for oneself g) Serious DAMAGE. Now, take your pick. Wait. Do you still have to pick?

4. Logical Reasoning:
Freedom is a right. 
Freedom to live without suppression is a right. 
If the first two statements were true, then freedom from supression of freedom is a right. 
...Right? 

5. Too much of everything is harmful. For instance.. 1) Too much trust is harmful, because once it's broken, it gets SO hard to earn back, plus it HURTS once it's shattered. 2) Too much understanding is harmful, because too much understanding can blind you of the truth, which might be hard to bear once it's finally been aware of. 3) Too much denial of the painful truth in hopes of a better end would lead to a bitter end instead.

6. It was a happy morning. Until.. bO.Om.

7. Now it's true, you're all I've got. And I'm thankful for you.

8. I miss you. Plain and simple.

9. Talk about Alicia Keys stunting her vocal cords, singing No One. Uh-huh, heard that right.

10. Ano.. Angal??? 

I give up. I simply give up. And damn right, I'm loving it. =)

For months and months, I had to lay tormented after coming to think of ANYTHING that had any relevance to it - that undying issue that I insist was worth the worry, yet for the people I got to talk to, was the most stupid thing that I, of all people, had to worry about. Turns out, the things people tried to drill to my head had been oblivious to me for the most stupid reasons I had insisted rational, in my ever masochistic and pessimistic point of view. It tormented me to the extent that though I wryly had NOTHING to do at home at all, and though I had every drop of a craving to do so, I had refused to touch even a single peripheral of a computer for fear that I might have to deal with the worries it had to offer me. It sucked BIG TIME, and IT KILLED ME body part by body part. 

A drug. 

A venom. 

Seeping through my bloodstream.

Traveling through every bit of me.


"... To the point of permanent death." - Ada. 

(Grins. :D I wonder what that was for and whom it was for, right doOd? >:] )

It was a relief that my computer actually broke down for a few days and I survived having to deal with a guilty conscience from restraining myself from using the computer. I finally had a good enough excuse not to turn it on beacuse it simply won't. :p Now that my computer's fixed and after scanning through the things I used to resent browsing through the most, I realized that it's best that I give up to what it is that I had worried about. Not because I've lost all hopes and have given up on what I believe in. No, no, no. Not at all. But it's more of like giving up on an issue because it's just plainly POINTLESS to be of a fight and a struggle in the first place. For one, I'm all hands down that I could never live my life in that manner. It's not me. It's not what I live for and it's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm on a tangential road, that though far off, trails along a yellow brick road and leads to a place equally breath-taking or better yet, much much MORE breath-taking. :)

Every single person doesn't have to choose and tackle a certain option that of the norm, is ideal. For every majority, there is a minority. And no matter how less as compared to the majority, and how few the minority counts, what matters is that that certain idea or side is appreciated and considered. The mere fact that an idea is appreciated in one way or another, is an enough reason to be proud of it. So goes with lifestyle and how one's life is led. As long as it's justifiable, harmless and practically something everyone could live with and most could be proud of, what the majority thinks is useless. Pa-epal lang sa magandang buhay. ;P

Cutting the long story short, I've learned that at some point of a fight, in my case an internal fight, if seen fit one has to have the ability to discern when to swallow pride, give up and accept the facts. Give up in a sense that if it is worth putting a cease to, if it is a pointless, absurd and ho hum child of paranoia, and if doing so would establish eternal peace to one's self and to other people involved. (shucks, parang mamamatay lang eh.xp) Giving up not for the sake of hopelessness or inferiority, but for acceptance that it could never be and that something WAY better is waiting on the other side. 

Cutting the drama short, (may ganun? hehe..) matutong bumigay KUNG walang kwenta naman talaga at walang patutunguhan ang pinaglalabanan. Kung nakakasakit sa sarili mo at kung malaking epal na talaga sa buhay mo kahit hindi naman talaga kailangan maging epal yung ganung isipin, ilaglag mo na dahil panira lang yan sa kasiyahan ng mundo. Ang saya saya at halaga ng buhay, hahayaan mo lang masayang oras mo sa kaka alala sa mga bagay na wala naman talagang kwenta. ;) Mahalin ang buhay. Mahalin ang sarili. Tanggapin ang buhay. Tanggapin ang sarili. Bigay ni God 'to at sa bawat buhay, may sarili siyang raket kung paano 'to magiging mahalaga at special.

Parang public reminder lang na pinapalabas sa TV eh noh.. XD Sorry if it sounded a bit harsh, pero as much as I didn't want it to turn out that way, ganun talaga eh..xp

Basta.. At the end of the day, I thank God that no matter how much of a chaos my life turns out, I'm glad that I get to pick debris that are unlikely valuable pieces that would aid to my life - those of which are the lessons I learn from every single turmoil I go through. And even though my life runs uneventually lonely and enigmatic, I trust that at the end of the story, it would turn out sweet :), meaningful and unique. :)


.. Nagdrama na naman si Ina. =P  

 

Falling in love is like an all-natural seed planted, made to grow, and cultivated deep within a person's core. Almost like an instinct. Like an understanding that everything DOES exist and comply with a natural system of life. It's something that needs no justification once felt, no medical certifications, no verifying pulse checks whatsoever. It's just so. It's just there. It's what's felt. No need for incessant curious questions and answers.

It's a tornado of every single feeling that could surpass your being for the entirety of your life; Euphoria, melancholy, jealousy, greed, insecurity, indifference, pride, anger, gratitude, hatred, passion, even wry ennui. However, as any tornado does, the chaos eventually comes to an end. Serenity, silence and freedom from turbulence transpires right after. And no matter how barren and desolate it could appear at first, Mrs. Rain and Mr. Sun would gradually make it fertile again. Just as true love and the grace of God would a couple too. 

It's a feeling of completeness. Of security. Of assurance that someone would hear your screams of panic, rush to you, take your hand and pull you from which ever abyss or wreckage you've stupidly fallen into. And not only that, but the ULTIMATE thrill and ecstatic feeling after realizing that your hands are still clasped tightly even after you're completely saved.. ;D It's feeling delighted and SUPER DUPER kilig after being tickled by a teasy whisper saying that your hand would forever be held.. And that you'll never fall stupidly into ANY abyss or wreckage anymore, as long as they're clasped together. Not ever again. ;) At may bonus hug at kiss pa. Haha.. XD

It's waking up to each single day to the awareness of newfound imperfection in the one you love, yet with oblivion, raising your head to smile at the heavens and thanking God he IS human with his humane imperfections. (Haha.. ;] ) And he IS imperfect like you. It's the beauty of knowing you'll do your best to understand and willingly surpass his every imperfection jotted down on that list.. It's the fulfillment of raising a huge plaque card that announces and establishes your philosophy that his imperfections do not matter, and you'll continue to love him all the same.

It's the gratefulness and gratitude that you were given someone to face and go through each passing day with. It's basically the thrill of being simply cared for and LOVED. 

And I love falling in love. :) I love having fallen in love. Haha.  Kahit hindi pa ako sigurado kung siya na talaga o ito na talaga o kung panahon ko na 'to, thankful ako dahil kahit papaano, binibigyan ako ng chance ni God para subukan, paganahin at ipatupad nga yun kung nanaisin ko. At gusto ko. Ninanais ko. (Hahaha.. Lalim, pare. XD) And as long as I can, to the sagradong best of my abilities, I'll keep this. I'll keep loving 'em, and would never stop.. Maybe I would, if the moment comes when I could touch my forehead with my tounge. Haha.. Which obviously would never happen. ;D But just in case I do.. Haha.. And just to be safe.. Hangga't pwede.. I'd continue to stand by my word that I'll love him non-stop. ;)

Yabshuu, mooo.. SOBRA. Diba nga, sobra sa sobra, grabe sa grabe at malala pa sa malala. >('',)< .. Intayin mo ko, ah? :)

*Wooh.. Mushy gushy blogspot moment na naman iteeetch. :))*